


Fergus Cousland's Winter Break Part 1

by Khazarkhum



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: AU, Challenge Response, Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-24
Updated: 2010-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-09 03:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/82460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khazarkhum/pseuds/Khazarkhum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the DAO_challenge "AU + Intoxication". Fergus Cousland & many others enjoy Winter Break from Ferelden U at the Royal Lodge in the Frostback Mountains. Part one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fergus Cousland and his friends try to enjoy themselves at the Royal Lodge in the mountains. Part one. Two Words: Gold Ricerocket.

FERGUS COUSLAND'S WINTER BREAK

For Winter Break from Ferelden U (go Mabari!) Jowan and I were going to go to Amaranthine to score some of what he said was 'pretty wicked shit' from Tommy Howe. But then Elissa heard that Prince Cailan was going skiing in the Frostback Mountains and so naturally she had to go. My Dad was OK with the idea, because a few years ago he got a cabin as an investment and figured we could stay there. But the cabin is a mile from the big Royal Lodge, and the only view is of the valley. So Elissa whined and cried until Mom broke down and rented a suite at the lodge. And since Elissa is 17 and underage, I got to go with her.

 

I wanted to take my car, but Dad was worried about accidents and me driving that far. He rented a 16 passenger van and told me that Gilmore, Jowan and I were the only ones to drive it. I said OK, because it meant I'd get some sleep, and with that big a van we could get a pretty good party going.

 

We headed out on Thursday. Originally it was just going to be me, Gilmore, Jowan, Elissa and Lily, Jowan's girlfriend. But then Lily's friend, that creepy goth chick Morrigan from my Econ class showed up, along with a guy named Cullen from the Chantry. Then this Iona girl and another mage called Anders needed rides. Anders had a cat with him, which the girls thought was 'cute'.

 

So we're tooling down the road, listening to Linken Park, when Jowan says, "Maker's breath! It's the Templars!"

 

I looked in the mirror. All I could see were three choppers and some flashing lights. "It's military," said Cullen. "Like a motorcade or something."

 

Just then ZWOOOSHH! This gold ricerocket goes screaming past, with the military bikes trying to keep up. I knew what that meant, and so did all the girls. "CAILAN!" they screeched. Morrigan just smirked and went back to the book she was reading. It was called "Ferelden Feminist Poetry" or something like that.

 

We stopped at a Big J before we got into the mountains. The place looked like it'd been hit by a tornado inside. All these people were chattering away, and Gilmore asked some girl what was up.   
"Prince Cailan was just here! And he paid for everybody's stuff!"

 

Elissa damn near exploded from jealousy. "You made me miss him!" She went to hit me, but missed and hit the bag of Doritos I'd just bought instead. The bag popped and Doritos went everywhere. I made her buy me another bag. She sulked the rest of the night.

 

We got into the village a little before midnight. I drove most of the way, but Gilmore took over for the last couple of hours. Jowan was passed out in his seat, the others were all more or less asleep, and Morrigan was still reading.

************************  
In the morning I caught Lily trying to order Room Service, and I had to shut that down. We were lucky enough to get the damned suite, and I didn't need Dad all over my ass when we got home because some chick was too lazy to go downstairs for free danishes. Cullen and Gilmore brought back huge plates of stuff from the breakfast bar and I told Lily that if she didn't like it, she could go buy her own food. I think Jowan was annoyed but so what.

 

After breakfast we went down to check out the lodge. I was supposed to go see about the cabin, too, because Dad had rented it out to a bunch of guys who figured they'd use it to score all weekend. It was still pretty quiet when we drove over there. When we got there we found that there were fifteen guys staying in a three-bedroom cabin. Daveth, the guy in charge, said they'd pooled their money to rent it. There were sleeping bags everywhere, and some guys were asleep on the chairs. I recognized Jory, a linebacker from the football team who keeps repeating Algebra because he doesn't get it. But he leads the team in tackles, so it's all good.   
Anyway, Daveth said that they knew Cailan couldn't possibly score with all the girls that were going to be here, so they figured they had a chance of picking up some for themselves. I didn't ask them what kind of girls were going to want to come back to a place so stuffed full of guys people were sleeping in chairs.

 

We spent most of the day on the runs. Well, by 'spent' I mean stood around a lot because the papps were taking pictures of Cailan and his brother Alistair on the half-pipe. Yeah, I get that landing a 720 helicopter flipflopwhatever without breaking your neck is tough. Does that mean the whole mountain has to be shut down so some idiot from "Ferelden People" can get some pix? Andraste's tits.

 

I tried to help Elissa on the beginner slopes, but she wanted to 'go see the boarders'—duh. After a while I gave up and let her go with Gilmore. He wouldn't let anything happen to her. Jowan and I started a sweet little fort in the trees, where we could hang out with Tommy Howe who just happened to bring a pretty good stash from Amaranthine.

 

We were getting into bed when Iona got a call on her cell. She said something and the girls all took off. Anders gave me a look so we figured we'd better go after them. We get down to the main room just in time to see Elissa kneeling on the pool table while Cailan shot the 8 ball between her legs. She looked just great in her little short nightgown with pink nugs all over it. The papps were going nuts taking pictures. Dad is going to kill me.

 

When we got back to the room we almost tripped over Lily and Jowan on the floor. They'd gotten some pay-per-view porn on the TV and decided to go for it right there in the middle of the room. He'd better pay for that shit because I am not going to try to explain that to Dad.

******************************  
Tonight was Casino Night in the Lodge.

 

Everyone was given a roll of tickets to spend at the tables. There was a cute little ginger Orlesian singer called Leliana doing covers of Britney and Mariah songs in front of the big stone fireplace. She had a nug on a leash and the girls all thought it was 'cute'. Lily and Jowan found the buffet table right away and spent most of the night eating shrimp cocktail. I wanted to try some of the games, so I went to the blackjack tables with Anders. Nate Howe and this metrosexual Antivan elf named Zevran were already there. Zevran sounds just like the sodding Nasonex bee.

 

Nate's a little older than Tommy. He's captain of the hockey team, so he's OK. The Antivan was a different story, but with Anders there I thought we'd be fine. Cullen eventually joined us. He said something about being a Templar student and Zevran immediately started calling him Chantry Boy.

 

Right around one they started the prize drawings. Alistair would pull the ticket out of the box, he'd read the number, and somebody would get a prize. Turns out half the tickets were good, which naturally meant that I had the half that weren't worth shit. Cailan had this huge roll of tickets for himself and Alistair. Every time one of theirs won, Cailan took the prize and gave it to some girl. Alistair seemed to be pretty cool with that until one of theirs won the week for two at Disneyworld. When Cailan handed the tickets to Leliana, I thought Alistair was going to cry.

 

Cullen won a plasma TV, Iona got a gold bracelet from Cailan, and Morrigan won a set of golf clubs. It's a good thing she actually won them instead of having Cailan give them to her, because I think she'd have hit him with a driver or something. Elissa won a couple of pairs of tickets for some concerts, so that means I'll at least get to go to those and make sure she stays out of trouble.

 

The big prize was a new car, and of course Cailan won. He strolled around the room with the keys while everything with ovaries stared at him. After wandering around for a few minutes he handed the keys to Wynne, an older lady from the Mage Circle who was there as some kind of chaperone. She blushed and started fanning herself when he kissed her hand.

 

It's probably a good thing that Elissa didn't win the car. I don't think I could stand seeing a gold Prius every day.


	2. Fergus Cousland's Winter Break Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fergus Cousland's holiday in the mountains continues. With a hockey game and a mechanical bull.

Dad called early this morning. Daveth called him from the cabin and said the toilets were all screwed up. So I had to go and see what the hell was going on. Gilmore said he'd keep an eye on Elissa, Jowan was passed out with Lily, so Anders and Cullen said they'd come with me. I figured the girls wouldn't be going anywhere with Cailan on the slopes.

 

We get to the cabin and it smells worse than a darkspawn whorehouse. Anders' cat took off and hid in some guy's sleeping bag. Daveth was the only one there; everyone else had taken off to see about picking up girls. Yeah, right. Dumb shits can't even pick up their socks, but they're going to pick up girls.

 

Anyway, they'd all gotten drunk last night and Jory busted the downstairs toilet. So instead of calling right then, they waited until this morning. In the meantime the guys had used the sink, shower and tub for extra toilets. I wanted to throw them out, but Cullen pointed out they'd paid for the week and we had to deal with it. Besides, Anders said he had a spell that could help with the smell.

 

I ended up calling a plumber before driving into the village to look for a toilet. There's no Home Depot or anything like that so of course we had to go to a designer showcase to find a useable one. They came in colors, too—Antivan green, Orlesian pink, Navarran blue. I really wanted to shove Jory through the floor and use his head for a new toilet, but Anders said my Mom probably wouldn't approve. Ha! Mom'd shove him in there herself.

 

I picked an Antivan green one and we got back just as the plumbers started fixing the pipes they'd managed to break. I gave them Mom's credit card and waited for them to finish up. I hope Dad rented the place for enough to make it worth this. Cullen and Anders opened all the windows while I made Daveth clean up the mess. Anders did a spell that really cleared the air. Just before we left he went to get his cat out of the sleeping bag. It was so upset it shit all over the inside of the bag. After what they'd put us through we said sod it and went back to the lodge.

********  
Nate Howe showed up first thing in the morning and asked if I'd like to play a pickup game with the rest of the team. There's a rink in the lodge, but it was off-limits for everyone but the ice skaters. They'd found a pond down the road and we were going to play hockey outside, the way it's meant to be played. So I got my gear, crammed myself into his car, and we took off for the pond.

 

There were quite a few guys already at the pond when we arrived. Our goalie, a Qunari named Sten, was already in-net. He didn't have any pads or anything, just his stick. I saw Alistair skating around with another big guy I didn't recognize, Perth, and the dwarf Oghren from Orzammar that Coach wants to use as an enforcer as soon as he's stable on skates. Nate put him in the other net so he wouldn't have to move much. Once we had enough guys we split into teams and the fun began.

 

Zevran, the crazy Antivan elf, was our ref. He made lots of weird calls, saying he had to "inspect our sticks" and other bullshit. I wanted to check him on his ass, but Alistair said to leave him alone, he was some kind of special guest.

 

Anyway, I'm flying down the side, I have the puck, Oghren is in sight, and WHAM I get checked so hard I land five feet out in the snow. I rolled over to see Alistair's big friend offering me his hand.

 

"Maker's breath, Cousland," he said. "I didn't mean to hit you that hard!"

 

"Cailan!?"

 

"Shhh. No one knows I'm here."

 

I let him pull me up. "Where's your hair?"

 

"Under the helmet." He flipped the visor up so I could see his face. "Please don't tell anyone. If they know I'm here they won't play hard."

 

"Right. Like that hit was a kiss or something."

 

"That's what I mean. They won't hit me."

 

"Want to drop gloves?"

 

"No, Fergus."

 

"Oh, yeah." My back hurt worse than a darkspawn enema. "You see the puck anywhere?"

 

"Nate's got it. Maybe you should sit down a while."

 

I skated off to the side and sat down. Flaming Andraste, I knew Alistair was built but it never occurred to me that Cailan might be, too. I'd seen Alistair land checks like that in games and knew I was going to have a bruise from this. Nate came to check on me before 'going after that bastard.' I was going to warn him, but remembered what Cailan said and figured it'd be better to let Nate find out the same way I had.

 

Nate and Alistair got into a couple of scraps with guys over highsticking, which Zevran thought sounded like fun. He kept saying things like 'how high can your stick go' and 'oohh, yes, stick me, stick me.' Nate was getting really frustrated with him but I told him Alistair said to leave the Antivan alone, so he took it out on Perth instead.

 

The score was tied when this helicopter starts going around and around overhead. Alistair said something to Cailan and they skated off to one side. I could see they were unlacing their skates, so I figured it was some kind of official arrival. Everyone gathered together on the ice, except for Oghren. Sten went and pulled him to the side of the pond.

 

As soon as the chopper landed a skinny, skinny blonde with huge shades and fancy boots got out. Alistair said, "All right, everybody. Fun's over."

 

The blonde marched right up to Alistair and Cailan. She said something to them and I could see them kind of deflate. They followed her back to the chopper, got in it, and took off.

*******************   
That night was a Country Western dance. Elissa had gotten this little miss slut dress, so I had to go and keep an eye on her. I still hurt from that check. Everyone wore jeans and T-shirts. Anders and Iona took some of the linens from the bathroom and made scarves and bandannas for everyone so we'd fit in.

 

I saw Daveth with some girl who looked like she'd been drinking all day. Cullen was nice enough to dance with Elissa so she'd be happy. Anders had a little bandanna on his cat and all the girls thought it was 'sweet' and 'cute'. Zevran sang all sorts of strange country songs, ones like "Can't Call It Cheating Cause She Reminds Me Of You" and "It's So Lonely In The Saddle Since My Horse Died". There was a mechanical bull that all the football players wanted to ride, hay bales everywhere, and a giant horse shoe made out of cardboard that Oghren knocked over.

 

The lodge had a huge black barbeque that looked like a dragon out on the deck. They had barbecued a whole pig and calf for dinner, along with chicken and ribs. Alistair had some of everything at least twice. I liked the chicken enough to go back for more. They had all sorts of salads and beans with cornbread. Jowan and Lily loaded up their tray with ribs and rolls before vanishing into a dark corner.

 

I got a beer to keep my mind off my back. Leliana took the guitar away from Zevran and started singing. She had her nug with her, only this time she had it wearing a little saddle with a toy mabarai riding it. Most of her set was okay, but there was this one creepy song called "Boney Fingers" that she really got into. Zevran joined her on the chorus and the song went from weird to raunchy.

 

A couple of hours into it the football players were drunk enough to try the mechanical bull. Most were too far gone to even sit on the damned thing. Sten, our goalie and the center for the football team, got on it and the thing went crazy. It got going so good it sent him flying into the wall. He crashed into a table, broke it, and ended up sitting under a stuffed Halla head.

 

Oghren decided he could beat the bull, so he got on right after Sten. I guess the thing goes by weight or something because it was really throwing him around. He lasted maybe five seconds before it sent him flying at Sten. Sten ducked, Oghren hit the wall, and the stuffed Halla head fell and hit them both.

 

I thought they'd shut the bull off after that, but Cailan said no, so the rest of the room decided to try it. Nate did pretty good before it threw him. His brother Tommy did even better. The only one who beat the buzzer for eight seconds was Zevran, who looked less like he was riding the bull than he was fucking it. Alistair gave him one of those stupid giant checks for beating the bull. Zevran said something to him that I couldn't make out, but Alistair turned beet red.

 

The skinny blonde from the helicopter turned out to be Anora, Loghain Mac Tir's daughter. I knew her from school; she was the TA for my PoliSci class. She hung onto Cailan like she thought he might fall over or something if she didn't hold him up. I thought Morrigan didn't care about shit like that, but she was just as bitchy as all the other girls when it came to Anora. Morrigan and Elissa were trying to figure out what she'd had done outside of her nose. Elissa thought it was 'everything' but Morrigan was pretty sure it was just the nose job. And maybe some lipo.

 

To me it doesn't make any sense, because Anora is way older than Cailan and as far as I can tell the only thing they have in common is blonde hair. But it sure matters to the girls, because they didn't talk about anything else for the next four hours. I wanted to get to sleep and they were still yakking about Anora. Sweet Andraste, shut up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bann Teagan arrives in time for the Star Wars Party! Bit of a cliffhanger at the end, courtesy of Alistair.

Around noon Bann Teagan showed up in a limo full of "models". They'd been drinking champagne and doing lines all the way up, and by the time they got here they were really flying. Two of the girls fell out of the limo when the valet opened the door.

Anora dragged Leliana and some other girls with her to go shopping in the village. That meant they had to shut all the sodding streets, there had to be guards everywhere, and all these guys dressed in 'casual wear' who were not relaxing. A lot of them had mabari, too. There was a huge pile of busted camera equipment by one of the roadblocks, and the mabari kept pissing on it.

Cailan and Alistair stayed at the lodge because Teagan was there. Gilmore said he heard it was because they were supposed to 'keep an eye' on Teagan, which to me sounded wrong, but there it is. Andraste's tits, Teagan's at least forty.

Ten minutes after Anora left Teagan got on the PA and announced that there was going to be a wet T Shirt contest on the deck in fifteen minutes and that Cailan and Alistair were judging. In the background I could hear Cailan say WHAT but then Teagan started giggling and the sound went off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I do not know how that sodding deck held all those girls.

All the guys had to stand downstairs, in the courtyard, looking up. Cailan came out with Alistair and Teagan, who was sucking on a 40 of Black Oak ale. Cailan held up a hand to quiet everyone down, then said, "I think this contest should be chosen by popular acclaim." Everybody started cheering and yelling.

It went pretty much the way these things usually go. Lots of girls, lots of boobs, lots of screaming and yelling from the guys. I saw Elissa in the group, waiting her turn. Alistair saw her too, and said something to her. I couldn't hear what he said but she was really upset. She finally ran off the deck and into Wynne, the old mage who won the car. Wynne took her away. I wanted to go see her, but the crowd was so thick and dense I couldn't get through.

Suddenly everybody started really hollering and bellowing. I looked up. I couldn't see the girl's face, but it didn't matter; all I could see was _boobs_. Teagan was acting like he'd never seen anything so amazing in his life. He kept shoving the girl at Alistair, who was both bright red and looking a little angry. Finally Cailan said "I believe we have our winner" and everybody started cheering.

The girl turned sideways. Maker's balls, it was _Lily, Jowan's girlfriend!_ That smug SOB Jowan had the biggest, sickest grin I have ever seen. Teagan handed her a box, which turned out to have a pearl necklace and the key to his room. He gave her a big, sloppy kiss before Alistair and Cailan escorted her off the deck.

It took longer than I wanted to get through the crowd and find Elissa. Wynne had her over by the fireplace, along with a couple of other girls who also looked underage. I thanked Wynne for watching them and hauled her over to the elevators.

As soon as we reached the elevators a crowd of men burst through the main door. They were the same tense guys in casual clothes from the village. In the middle of them was Anora, wearing a dyed leather coat, shades, and stiletto heels, followed by a stone golem carrying giant bags from all the stores. She stopped near Cailan, Alistair, Teagan and Lily, who were having their pictures taken by some of the papps.

"Cailan Theirin," she screeched, "just _what_ do you think you're doing?"

I kind of wanted to stay and see how that went, but just then the elevator door opened and we were pushed in by the crowd.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The football team hosted a Star Wars party in the main room. Mom had a fancy Queen Amidala dress made for Elissa. Anders said you were a failure as a human being if you couldn't make a Jedi outfit with a flashlight, blanket, and rope. Extra points for a Snuggy or a bathrobe. He even put together a little Jedi robe for his cat with some of the linen in the room.

Most of the guys were dressed like Jedi, with a few stormtroopers made from different bits of armor. Alistair was dressed up like farmboy Luke. Zevran had on a gold bodysuit and told everyone he was C3PO, and that Alistair was his master. He kept telling people to input information in his slots. Someone had found a Darth Vader mask and put it on Sten, along with black pants and a chestplate made from a dead phone. Zev walked up to him and asked which button you pressed to turn him on.

There's really only three girl costumes in Star Wars: Queen Amidala's 450,879 dresses, White Leia, and Slave Leia. Outside of a few fancy Amidalas and a couple of White Leias, all the girls were Slave Leia. That includes the girls Teagan had with him. He was dressed like the Emperor, standing on a rolling chair draped with black cloth. The girls were pulling him around like it was some kind of chariot. He was hollering "Join US!" and "Come to the Dark Side!" while drinking from a bottle of Antivan wine.

Cullen, Nate and some other guys were having a lightsaber battle out on the deck. It was snowing a little, so the lightsabers really glowed. I was sorry I didn't have anything better than a flashlight to fight with. Especially since Jory was out there, trying to hit guys' lightsabers with his flashlight. Maker, what an _idiot_.

The casual guys who refused to relax were all Jedi, and they were all standing around Anora. She had on this flowing dress with no back, no sides and almost no front. She told everyone it was the dress Amidala wore on Naboo with Anakin. Not a copy, but THE dress from the movie. With her was a weird little dwarf kid she'd found in the village. She had him sitting in a rolling R2D2 get-up so she could take him all over. The only word the kid knew was "Enchantment!" Anora kept petting his head and telling everyone he reminded her of Cailan.

I don't get it. Sure, she's a Mac Tir and rich, but why is she bothering with Cailan? Outside of the obvious, I mean. What can they ever talk about? I mean, you have to talk sometimes, right? Everyone knows she's an intellectual, just like everyone knows he has all he can do to fog a mirror. Yeah, I've seen the articles in _People_ where they say he's a History major with a 3.85 GPA. Sure he is. Like any professor is going to flunk the crown prince. But Anora—everybody knows she's earned her degrees, and still she wants him. Why? Because he's pretty? Maker's breath, are all girls that shallow?

Elissa was with Gilmore and Morrigan, who was wearing a slave Leia outfit, which wasn't all that different from what she usually wore. Since they were keeping an eye on her I figured I could go to the bar and get a drink. Between the drive, the cabin, keeping Elissa from being violated and all the screeching girls, I wanted a drink. Maker, I _deserved_ a drink.

There was a Wookiee and a bunch of Jedi at the bar. The Wookiee said something that was probably supposed to be "Hello" but sounded like "HFlthhhh". The bartender had on a hat with Jar-Jar-Binks eyes stuck on top. "What'll you have?"

"I need a drink. A hard drink."

"One Legacy White Shear, coming up."

"WHRTTGH," said the Wookiee.

The bartender slapped a glass in front of me. Jar-Jar Binks' eyes flopped around.

I picked up the glass, swirled the white liquid, and gulped it down.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"The storm will be moving into the Frostback Mountains late tomorrow."

I opened my eyes. I was in a bed—not the one I'd been in, but a double—the TV was playing the local news, it was light outside—

And all I was wearing were some stormtrooper boots.

I sat up. Next to me was someone with long, blonde hair. I was afraid to look closer, but if I wanted out of this bed I had no choice. Oh, Maker—it was Zevran, wearing Anora's dress. This was bad. Very, very bad. Maybe I could go the other way. No, that was a girl, snoring facedown into the pillows. Something about her looked familiar. I squinted away the sun to see.

Anora. Naked.

Maker. I had to get out of there.

I managed to scoot down to the end of the bed and slide off without waking either of them up. I had to get out of there, get back to my room, get into clothes, get out of Ferelden. The bathroom had towels—I'd just wrap one around my waist and casually wander to the elevators, and maybe no one would see me. While I was in there I looked to make sure nobody had tattooed anything on me. I was still clean, but the bruise from Cailan checking me the other day was still big and nasty and—

Cailan. Oh, Maker. I was a Dead Man if I did not get out of there now. That hit had been an accident. What he was going to do to me now wouldn't be. Maybe he'd have Alistair hold me while he pounded me into the next Age. I was going to get beaten so badly that I'd even be useless as an organ donor.

I tied the biggest towel I could find around my waist. As I carefully made my way past piles of clothes to the door, I kicked something that tumbled towards the TV. Without thinking I picked it up.

A disposable camera. A sodding disposable camera. And all the pictures had been exposed.

Sweet Andraste, why? Why me?

I couldn't leave it here. I knew what I had to do. I'd dump it on somebody like Tommy Howe and no one would ever connect it to me. A quietly as I could I slipped out the door and headed for the elevators. There was a guy standing there, waiting to go down. I shoved it into his hand and kept walking.

"What's this, Fergus?"

"Ali-Alistair?"

"There's a one hour place in town. I'll get this developed for you." And the elevator doors closed behind him.


End file.
